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Let's Play Guns

5 min read

March 2018

Why are mass shootings a problem in the United States and nowhere else in the world? Novices point to the fact we have as many guns as we do people.


Luckily, America ain't for novices. We're the greatest at everything. As red-blooded patriots, we're ready to mansplain why that's fake news faster'n you can sprint for cover.


Any stable genius will tell you guns are the only way to prevent guns. We couldn't possibly be more sure about that, either. That's why we made it illegal to study gun violence in any way that'd cause changes (scary!).


We don't need to waste more tax dollars on fruitless political causes. Bleeding heart liberals always complain they want fewer innocent people shot dead by guns — it's annoying.

I can concede one small point, though. For such a sun-kissed, gun-blessed nation, we tend to act a little murdery at times. Sorry about that! Rest assured, our experts are working hard to figure out who to yell at first.


They ask the difficult questions, such as, "Who do we blame?" And, "How loud?" Not to mention, "What's the best way to go about blaming them?"


But never, "How in the gosh-darn-heck does the country with the most guns on earth also have the most gun-related deaths?" Avoid that one. Because I, for one, am stumped.


Shouldn't all those guns do their job of preventing guns? It's the greatest dilemma in generations, one that's too complicated even for science to conquer.


So, while the rest of the world settles for solutions that work, you should know better. But just in the spirit of rehearsal, here are some ways to keep folks' attention off of potential solutions.


Here's to playing the good ol' fashioned American Blame Game.



Kids in Florida saw seventeen classmates get gunned down, so they cried out for the adults to help.


The smart grown-ups stayed put. Then, they blamed abstract concepts like political correctness, freedom, and Hillary Clinton.


Why should you help, anyway? It's not your job. Besides, those little shits were mean in the way they described America's favorite hobby, shooting bullets out of guns. Their aggressive sassiness hurt many proud gun owners' feelings. They should've chosen different words. But I digress.



We've all seen the leaked videos where drones are fighting fake wars and police are committing real crimes. But why blame war when you can blame video games about war? Why fault crooked cops for violence when you could blame it on scary rap lyrics about cops?



Nothing says you respect authority like being a doomsday prepper who expects the authorities to turn tyrannical. True respect for authority means you keep guns handy to shoot them with.


After a beauty of an excuse like that, you'll be back chanting to lock her up and build that wall in no time. Respect is a complicated concept, though. If someone claims the president was born in Kenya, that's not disrespectful. In fact, if that happens, let's elect that person to be the next president.



If we pacify teens with medicines, safe spaces and trigger-warnings, how will they grow into tough adults? They ought to learn how to be real grown-ups and suck a beer bottle binky anytime they’re sad.


And if beer isn't numbing enough, they can wrap themselves in a warm blanket of imaginary Facebook friends. Speaking of imaginary friends...



When your enemy opposes you, it’s because they’re the devil. This bulletproof logic fuels the righteous, God-fearing Christians across this great land.


When couples fall in love outside your church’s rules, they’re demonic! When teens terminate a pregnancy, they murdered a baby! If these rules sound exactly like the kind of game Satan himself might play, I would remind you I know you are, but what am I?



The beauty of Us versus Them is it's You versus You. And no one wins a battle against themselves; it just ends. Long as we maximize peoples' fear of other people, those people will buy more guns. This, in turn, makes the country even safer.


Each time you properly assign blame, it gets easier to ignore annoying solutions. When liberal solutions conflict with your favorite hobby, immediately commence strategic ignorance.


We need not join the rest of the developed world in behaving rationally. Instead, get the hot air blowing anytime the truth feels cold.


Let's work together and invent new fake problems to distract ourselves from the real ones. Because when you point the finger at someone else, it sucks less being you (for a little while).


If we, the Fraternal Order of Gaslighters (FOG), don't stand tall, who knows what's next? Intellect is a slippery slope and right now, it's raining. If the FOG don't remain vigilant, we might stumble upon a solution (scary!).


Solutions are liberal. Avoid them at all costs.


Took you long enough.

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